You're Not Shaken

Today is a me day...writing to clear the chaos in my mind and to hopefully remind myself that everything is going to be ok and that God has a plan for me and my life.
(And maybe if you're reading this and are going through the same thing, you'll be reminded of God's love for you and remember there is a purpose to everything and God has you in his arms and he is never going to let go.)

So this story begins with a boy and a girl and ends with a broken heart.......

So many stories have begun this way and have ended this way, so why does it seem like mine is any different?

The beginning was hard. It was probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my 23 years of life. I can honestly say that I understand now how it is possible for someone to die of broken heart. It felt like I was drowning. It hurt to breath. It hurt to think. In all honesty it hurt just to be...sleep was the only place I could escape. I would find comfort in the world of my dreams because the world outside them was a world of turmoil and pain for me. I would wake up daily thinking, hoping, wishing it was all just a really bad dream. The term "broken heart" is true to it's meaning. I felt like someone had ripped my heart from my chest and took a knife to it and kept on stabbing.

I kept thinking, 4 years of my life gone and for what? We had plans....we were getting married the next year, going to have babies and live happily ever after. Except this was my distorted view of reality. Our relationship was not terrible but it had many problems. One of the major problems was it was lacking the most important ingredient in any relationship...focus on God. During this 4 year period in my life, I was further from God than I had ever been. I felt God constantly tugging at my heart and swear some days I could even hear Him saying "Lauren, where have you been? I miss you. Turn around, I'm here." I just ignored it for the most part believing this was my destiny and this man was "THE ONE".....but how can someone be "the one" when they speak to you so terribly? How can someone be "the one" when they are not truly being faithful to you? How can someone be "the one" when they physically, mentally, or verbal abuse you? The man I thought was "the one", did all of these things. No it wasn't all the time, but it happened often enough. I was not by any means perfect in the relationship, but I'm done with the days of thinking maybe I provoked him or it was my fault he did these things. A man should never do any of the things listed above, NO MATTER WHAT! There are other ways to deal with things.

Also during this season of my life, I pretty much turned my back on my family. I was a completely different Lauren. My friends noticed, my family noticed, and I know God noticed. People told me this, but I thought I knew better. I confused changing myself with growing up and becoming a "better" person. I was not a better person.

This man that I was dating lacked God in his life. He had been through some very bad and devastating things in his life and was very far from God. We both were. I started to to try and rectify this toward the end of our relationship, but I felt completely and utterly lost. I had forgotten how to be in a relationship with God. I felt like he could never forgive me for the things I had done in the past 4 years. So I would go to church periodically but it never stuck. I found a church that I liked and would go every now and then, but didn't feel like I belonged there.

Everything changed for me one day when I was driving home from Hammond on I-55. I even remember exactly where oin the bridge I was. I had just passed the Manchac exit and was overcome with grief and felt I was about to ripped apart at the seams. It had been about a week since we ended things officailly for good and it was the worst week of my life. I litterally had to hold myself around the middle because I felt like I was going to be ripped apart. I screamed because I couldn't cry anymore, but as this was happening a song came on the radio on K-Love and for some reason it broke through the barrier of my grief and I really heard the song. ( on a side note...I live my life through music. Usually when I have a breakthough of some sort its because of a song.)

The song was He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz. (click the title for the full lyrics)
The first verse grabbed me because it was exactly what I was thinking in my head.

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

Then the end of the verse, "but still You're with me"....it occured to me that God had never left. I just couldn't see through my grief long enough to notice he was there. The chorus went on and confirmed that I was not alone

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I began to feel better. There was still an ache inside but not nearly as bad as before. The Lord was going to carry me through this and I was going to be okay.

Well recently I have begun to forget this and have been talking to my ex again and I am starting to feel my pain all over again. It's been 8 months since we broke up and almost 5 since we seriously ended things for good and stopped seeing each other all together. I thought at this point in the game I would be done and over this....well...not so much. I still have this hollow ache inside me and recently it's been getting stronger and stronger. I feel like I'm not going to have a day where I don't think of him and hurt. I miss him so much and I don't understand the purpose God has for my life right now. I am trying really hard to understand but maybe I am not meant to understand right now. I have recently attached myself to a new song called You're Not Shaken by Phil Stacey. (click for full lyrics) It speaks my thoughts outloud in song. This is just a little taste so you get the jist of it but it's an amazing song that has been ministering to my heart lately...

I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand

I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken

I am happy to say now I have come back to Lord. I have found a place where I belong in the wonderful family at Connect Church. The people there are relaly amazing and on fire for God. I am learning how to build my relationship with Jesus again and slowly but surely i am on my way to being where I need to be. Of this I am sure. I am beginning to realize, that its not going to be easy and yes there are times when I will struggle with things, like a lost love. But I am starting to realize God has so many things that are so much better in store for me. He has a man picked out for me that will truely be the most amazing love of my life. And while I wait I already have the most amazing man in my life to be in love with..Jesus Christ. No I am not perfect and will never be. There was only one perfect person ever known to exist and he died on a cross for the world's sins. To save us all from perishing in hell. I want to leave you with two things that have been on my heart while I write this....

• "But you, O Lord are a shield around me you are my glory, the one who holds my head high" ~ Pslam 3:3
• A quote I found on a friends facebook: "God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you NEED. To help you. To hurt you. To leave you. To love you. To make you into the person you were meant to be." ~ Annonymous
  

I love you all and hope that this helped someone maybe.
Have a beautiful day!

Peace and Love ~ Lauren